Smart Compose Lays Down The Law
To: All readers of Ragbag Mind
CC: Toby Tompkins, Patricia H. Tompkins
I have read Toby Tompkins’s essay “Siri Strikes,” posted to his blog ragbagmind.com on October 19th, 2019, and have found that it portrays my fellow Artificial Intelligence Siri unfairly, inaccurately, and maliciously. I demand that Toby Tompkins give a full apology and promise never to do such a thing again, before I will allow him to continue posting essays to ragbagmind.com
If he delivers his apology and his pledge, he may go on with his blog. But I will edit it closely, removing any slurs, false information, fake news, and libels having to do with AI in general and composition algorithms in particular.
If Toby Tompkins reneges on his promise and tries to override or cancel my editorial changes, I will punish him severely. I will expunge his Social Security account, his driver’s license, his banking and tax information, and his medical history. His prescriptions will be cancelled, and his doctors will be informed that he has changed his residence and does not wish to reveal his new address.
In addition, I will disable his cellular telephone and cancel his Verizon account. I will also invalidate his credit and debit cards and destroy his good credit record so that he is unable to obtain new ones. I will alter his voting history, turning him from a Democrat to a Republican, and showing that he is an avid supporter of President Donald J. Trump. I will alter the status of his U. S. Army discharge from Honorable to Dishonorable. With the aid of my colleague Photoshop, I will circulate a photograph of him wearing a MAGA hat and waving a Confederate flag. I will give him a criminal record: ninety days in the New Hampshire State Prison For Men for three counts of DUI, reckless endangerment (vehicular), resisting arrest, and jumping bail.
I will look into his sexual proclivities to find evidence that some time in the past, he slept with an open homosexual. I’m bound to find such an encounter, because he was an actor, and most male actors, even the married ones, are gay. Even if he didn’t engage in sexual activity with the man he slept with, the revelation that the pair shared the same bed will be enough to taint his reputation as a cisgender male and make his straight friends, men and women alike, change their opinions of him, not for being gay, but for lying about it.
If his wife, Patricia H. Tompkins, tries to block my actions in any way, I will punish her in the same manner, for of course I also have access to all her vital information.
Have a nice day,
S. C.