A New Creed
My family raised me as an Episcopalian, and growing up, I attended church with them from time to time. I also went to a prep school where attendance in Sunday Chapel was mandatory, except for Jewish and Roman Catholic students. Chapel services always included a recitation of the Apostles’ Creed, which sums up Christian beliefs.
I gave up on God not long after I stopped believing in Santa Claus. When I was ten, lying on my bed in my room on the second floor of our house, I’d listen to my parents screaming at each other down in the living room, and ask God to make them stop fighting and love each other again. He ignored my prayers: later that year my younger brother and I were shipped off to our paternal grandparents’ vacation house in North Carolina while Dad and Mother flailed through an acrimonious divorce. So much for the All-Wise, All-Benevolent Deity who sees the fall of a sparrow but fails to notice the misery of a child. My jury’s still not in on the existence of some ordering force in the universe; nowadays I’m a devout agnostic. But as far as the God of the Bible is concerned, as Archibald MacLeish put it in his verse play J. B., “If God is God he is not good; is God is good, he is not God.”
However, the Lord’s Prayer, the Beatitudes, and especially the Apostles’ Creed stuck with me. Re-reading them have settled me down, the way reciting a mantra does, when I’ve been sad or angry. But a new summation of belief has arisen among the supporters of Donald Trump, who tweeted in August of 2019 that he was “the second coming of God.” That, of course, is exactly what his base believes, so I have written an Apostles’ Creed for them.
First, here is the Christian version:
I believe in God, the father almighty, maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried;
he descended into Hell.
On the third day he rose again;
he ascended into Heaven,
he is seated at the right hand of the Father,
and he will return to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting.
Amen.
And here’s The Trumpian Creed:
I believe in Gold and Money Almighty,
which rule all matters on Earth,
and in Donald Trump, their only Son, our Leader,
who was conceived by the spirit of Mammon,
born of the Grand Old Party,
suffered under the Fake News Media,
was sickened by the Covid Virus;
he descended to a hospital bed.
After three days he rose again,
stronger than ever,
and returned to the White House,
from whence he will emerge and Make America Great Again.
I believe in White Supremacy,
the Communion of the Rich,
the punishment of Trump’s enemies,
the rejection of science,
and happiness everlasting
for those who believe as I do.
Have a nice day.
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