The Book of Trump
1: Now it came to pass that the Armorikans grew weary of choosing their leaders, and desired a king to reign over them, who would tell them what to do in every happenstance, and on their behalf, take dominion over the Earth and all that was in it. These same Armorikans had had a king many years before, and they had rebelled against him; but they were a foolish people who little marked the deeds of their ancestors. And indeed they scorned the chronicles of past times, calling them false accounts and lies.
2: The king who came forward, after overcoming his rivals through sundry plots and stratagems, was called Trump, for he had a voice like sounding brass that incited his followers to shout with him, bellowing their agreement with everything he said, for he promised to overthrow their enemies, being all those who spake different tongues, or whose skin was black or brown, or who came from benighted countries with unclean customs.
3: And this same Trump was made King of Armorika, and duly installed in the White Castle, where he reigned for a time without let or hindrance, heeding not the constraints of the Counsel of Elders, nor the advice of his generals, nor men well versed in the law of the land. For he said that it was sedition in subjects to dispute what a king may do; and he banished all those among his advisors who disputed his words, trusting only the members of his royal family, although they knew nothing of governance or polity, and were witless fools.
4: Now King Trump was a lustful man who had consorted with prostitutes and women of easy virtue since he first rose up as a man of power in Armorika; and he had put away his first two wives, even Ivana and Marla, for complaining of his infidelity. He then wed one Melania, a woman of great beauty but little wisdom. She gave herself over to vanities of every ilk, wasting the treasure of the realm on rich garments and idle fripperies, the while King Trump continued to seek more vessels for his lust; and these were ready to his hand, for as he spake unto one of his minions, “If you are king, you can seize women even by their private parts, and they will not chide you.” Nor did this Melania gainsay him, for she feared being cast off, as Ivana and Marla had been. Yet when she appeared with him before the people, her countenance was woeful. And she had yet more reason for woe, for King Trump lusted even after his own daughter, Ivanka, and it was bruited widely that she allowed him to lie with her, though her husband, a lack-wit named Jared, whom the king had named his viceroy and chief envoy to the kings of other countries, denied that it was so.
5: And so Trump continued to steep himself in iniquity, telling monstrous lies about the country’s well-being, betraying the promises he had made to leaders of realms which had once allied themselves with Armorika, and making pacts with the rulers of her enemies; and this was all done to further enrich himself, for he would fain build stately pleasure domes and sumptuous hostelries in the cities belonging to hostile kings. And he praised Putin, the King of All The Russias, who of all men hated Armorika most, and had pledged himself to destroy her. For the which, numerous Armorikans began to grumble, saying that Trump was a traitor, and should be cast out of the White Castle.
6: Others said that Trump’s mind was diseased; and even those of the middling sort, who had hailed him when first he assumed the throne, and had worn red hats in token of their allegiance to him, began to curse him, saying that he had lied about bestowing wealth upon them, for after two years, they found themselves no richer, and indeed, he had imposed grievous taxes upon them, the which he had sworn never to do. But those who were rich already rejoiced, for the new taxes touched not them; and they said that the king was restoring Armorika to its former greatness. And so the land was split into factions, and certain men of forethought feared that there would be a civil war like unto the one which had ravaged the country in the time of their ancestors.
7: Now this Trump was a man of vast corpulence, for he devoured all manner of unclean food, and took no bodily exercise, save to ride in a cart and descend from it betimes to strike a little ball toward a hole in the ground; and this sport was known as gowf, and those who played it with him said that he cheated at it, as he cheated at everything else he did. Some among his enemies hoped that he might drop down dead of an apoplexy, because he was fat and his face was orange-red, a color physicians deemed a sign of impending death. But he took no more heed of physicians than he did of other learned men, for he said that he was possessed of a great mind, and was the wisest man in the world, with a great store of words, though in truth he spoke but a few words over and over again, babbling like a child, and what he uttered was senseless
8: It came to pass that Trump desired a great wall to be built along Armorika’s southern border, for he feared that the country would be invaded by hordes of swarthy barbarians seeking to plunder the land of its riches, bring in extract of poppy and other stupefying substances, and despoil its women, so that in time the Armorikans would become of mixed race, which to him was an abomination. But the Counsel of Elders, which had been chosen by the people, forbade him the money required for such a wall, since it was a structure many cubits in height that stretched 666 leagues (which is the Number of the Beast) from sea to sea, like unto the wall in Far Cathay that had been erected in ancient times to prevent invasion by fierce horsemen from the boundless steppes.
9: And when the king was denied his wall, he fell into a rage, as was his wont whenever he was crossed; and he disbanded the Counsel of Elders and closed down all works of governance. And chaos ruled, and darkness descended upon the land. But a judge arose in Armorika, and he was a man of righteousness, free of corruption and venality. He was called Muller, for because he mulled over all he learned most throughly before he took action; and he delved deeply into the king’s unlawful acts, revealing that he had followed too much the devices and desires of his own heart, doing those things that he ought not to have done, and leaving undone those things that he ought to have done, so that there was no health in him. And Trump did rail against the judge, saying he had done nothing that was against the law, and the Russian king was unknown to him, although numerous witnesses had seen him meeting with Putin many times. The people were angry, therefore, saying that whensoever Trump opened his mouth, he let out monstrous mendacities.
10: And certain of King Trump’s privy counsellors were found guilty of lying to the Counsel of Elders, though they had sworn to tell the truth. These trimmers and prevaricators were clapped into gaol; and Trump feared that that he might suffer the same fate. For whensoever any of his counsellors had told one lie, he had told ten; moreover, in time Judge Mueller was bound to uncover the monies Trump had stolen from the national treasury to fund his building schemes. And durance in the nation’s gaols was vile in those days; for the stronger prisoners preyed upon the weaker ones, making them submit to acts of sodomy, fellation, and other dreadful molestations. Nor did the gaolers prevent such atrocities, for they themselves engaged in similar acts, and also beat their prisoners with clubs, sometimes to the point of death.
11: And Trump was sore afraid, and began to cast about for ways to escape gaol. He sent a message to King Putin asking if he might seek asylum in Russia. But the Russian King refused to take him in, just as Trump had refused to allow desperate immigrants to cross Armorika’s border, for Putin had no more use for him, Trump having already revealed the deepest secrets of Armorika’s weapons of Armageddon as a way of puffing himself up as a man of might. And Putin waxed stronger as Trump weakened, extending his power westward through Europa; and the smile on his face was like unto a death’s-head grin.
12: At length Trump left the White Castle and removed to his Palace of Moronlikely, where he brooded and fretted and tweeted cries for help, like unto a fat pigeon menaced by an eagle, but there was no one to come to his aid, for even Queen Melania and Princess Ivanka had deserted him, and his sons and his son-in-law were busied with making plans to escape to parts unknown before they were seized by the enforcers of the law, for the crimes they themselves had committed. And so King Trump is ending his reign all alone and in terror. For after spending his life as a criminal, but never being punished, he is learning that the mill of Muller grinds slowly, but it grinds exceedingly small. Selah.